I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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