New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
