i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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