Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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