My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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