i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
