I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I feel like abortions should bother me more
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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