I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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