I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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