Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
