On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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