My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
