This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
