When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
