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Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
