Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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