i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
