Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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