I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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