My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
