The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
