sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize