sarcasm needs its own font
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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