I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
