Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
