if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
