I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
