i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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