Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
