I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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