I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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