so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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