I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry about my life...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
