Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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