You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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