It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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