naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
