There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
