And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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