I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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