If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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