so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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