the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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