two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
