the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
