Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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