i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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