who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
