So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
