My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
