don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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