Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
