I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
