I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I fill condoms, not promises.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Randomize
