I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
