I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
