turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
