If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
