I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
nutella sex= disaster
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize