to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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