I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
