life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
