I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
