when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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