I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
