My girlfriend figured out who you are.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
