I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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