i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
