some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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