They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize