Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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