peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
