here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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