Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
